I'm chiming in tonight for a quick post because I need to get some things off my chest.
M had a play date today with a little buddy from preschool. It just so happens that this little girl has an older sister that has been in J's class for the last couple of years. She is a year younger, but because of their mixed classroom, they have been together for a bit. Both of these girls are the daughters of Jacob's upcoming 4th and 5th grade teacher.
We like this family. My words in no way reflect ill-will towards them or their values and teachings.
After picking M up from their house this afternoon, and while we were in the car, she told J that Older Sister had said that she didn't like him. After a little bit of prodding, M told us how the conversation went down:
Apparently Younger Sister mentioned that she wished J was there. Then M stopped, and it was here that J asked her, "Did Older Sister say she hated me?" M proceeded to say that, "No, she just said that she didn't like you after Younger Sister said she wished you were there."
When I looked in the rear view mirror, J had what appeared to be a look that said, "REALLY???" He uttered a half-hearted laugh in what I perceived to be an attempt to hide his disappointment.
I would be lying if my blood didn't boil at this point. J, like any other kid, has his share of quirks. J can be loud. J can be disruptive in class. But I am positive that he never did anything to her personally that would cause her to have those feelings towards him. Not because he's a saint, but because for the most part he doesn't pay that much attention to girls.
Once I pulled myself together I told him that Older Sister was probably just being silly; maybe just playing around with the younger girls. I told him that sometimes people do things to try to be cool.
His response: "Well, it's not cool."
This was the time, I knew, to say something meaningful. Instead, everything coming out of my mouth sounded like Generic-ese: I told him that as long as he knew in his heart that he didn't do anything to her to bring about those feelings, then it's her problem and not his; I told him that everybody isn't going to always like him. Blah. Blah. Blah.
And then, finally, out came what I know to be true: "If she (or anybody else for that matter) makes the bad choice of not liking you, she is denying herself of your friendship....and that's her bad because you are AWESOME!"
It's not original or patent-worthy, but definitely true.
I don't have the time, desire, or credentials to delve into the mind of a seven year old. I realize that after 40 years I may have forgotten a few things about being that young and that her words could have come from a place that I no longer know exists. This isn't so much about Older Sister as it is about this guy:
At nine, J is still somewhat encased within the wall of innocence. The fact that it crumbled a little today is just life being played out and merely the start of the destruction. Life will continue to happen and the wall will be shaken over and over, its foundation determining whether it will eventually break and come tumbling down or stand strong against the elements.
As his parents, D and I hold the responsibility to build a foundation for him; one that will hold him up against life's elements no matter how shaky they become. I hope this is a place that empowers him to be strong when he feels weak and brave when he is scared; a peaceful retreat for the times when he is wronged; a fortress that keeps negativity and self-doubt otuside; and a constant reminder that he can do more than he is capable of.
But just like any structure, it isn't built in one day. It's a work in progress. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes life lessons.
Today's incident could be classified as a life lesson. And it stung. As they sometimes do, it stung. It stung him and it stung me -- maybe more than it did him, because I'm not sure one can be immune when it comes to seeing their children hurt.
NOT COOL, Older Sister...NOT COOL!
